fragile minds

She'd sold her soul... And for what? Regardless of the reason, she'd taken a life that hadn't been hers to take. If you wanted to get technical, she'd taken two lives. Andruil's soft whispers were like a buzz in the back of her mind, reassuring her that she'd done the right thing. Unfortunately, she wasn't so sure. Now, she was running from that which she didn't think she could protect herself from. The most she could do on her own was stall the inevitable.

Even if Tevinter had robbed her of her identity and her entire sense of self, the fact remained that she wasn't going to be able to make amends for what she'd done without possibly sacrificing her very life. Her throat tightened as she emerged from the trees and shielded her eyes from the sun. There was an ocean nearby. The smell of salt water hung heavily in the air and it sent a pang of icy needles stabbing straight through her heart. Home... She closed her eyes to ward off the sudden onslaught of emotions that were threatening to bubble up to the surface and take over her composure. She uttered an expletive under her breath and angrily wiped her eyes with the heels of her palms. Home was long gone, and her tears certainly wouldn't bring it or her loved ones back.

She trudged towards the water as weariness sank into her bones. All around her, there were dull whispers that buzzed around in her mind, and she couldn't quite bring herself to silence them. She could've easily done so, certainly, but she almost felt that this was her penance. At long last, her slow pace came to a standstill and she fell to her knees, curling her fingertips into the sand that hugged the edge of the greenery. Try as she might to hide it, she was overcome. Tears slid down her cheeks, making damp impressions in the sand. Vulnerability had meant a beating when she'd been in the care of her master.

For so long, she'd had up every wall and defense she could muster that even this simple act felt foreign to her. She started whispering apologies that were lost upon the wind. That same wind caressed her face and went a ways towards drying her tears. She'd seen so many good people get cut down in their prime. Age had mattered little to the raiders. A lucky few could be slaves and help to turn a profit. She'd been fortunate enough to be among those lucky few. 

The bitterness in her mouth tasted far more acidic than any medicine or poison. She finally drew her knees beneath her and sat upon them, not wanting to intrude upon the nearby clan. She wasn't their problem. She wouldn't bring them misfortune if she could help it. Instead of approaching, she stared out longingly over the water with tear-filled eyes. Her life wasn't going to get any easier, least of all when she had a shard of Andruil calling her a vessel. Between the huntress and the fact that Shaerana was a spirit mage, she couldn't recall the last time she'd felt at ease.

The refugees from Arlathan's fires had helped rebuild the Varahel center to better than it had been. Carasson had resumed his place as First. But... things still weren't okay. Not entirely. Xochitl was gone; he had not found where she'd wound up, though there were scouts searching Thedas far and wide for her.

As much as he tried to hide it, things with Carasson didn't feel quite the same. There was a constant worry on the edge of his mind, a whisper of a threat even though the man wore a nullification amulet and he didn't sense any possessions.

Chip's taken to walking along the outskirts of the clan every night, in hopes that he'll see Chi stumble out of an eluvian, or see her tracks, find her up in a tree... It's stupid, but it's all he can do without joining the hunt across Thedas for the girl. He can't leave the clan; not when they've just rebuilt.

No sign of Chi, but he did find signs of someone, and he walked quietly, toes digging into soft earth. The stranger wasn't far from camp, within a stone's throw along the beachfront. The sand was familiar as he padded along, the beach was well-used and well-known.

He stopped a few feet from her; in his experience strange elves that wash up on the shore, whether they've walked there or washed ashore in the literal sense, rarely took well to being approached by a man of his stature. Are you injured? She seemed upset; easy enough to pick up on with his magic. But he couldn't pinpoint if her damage was emotional or physical.

It could be both.

She shook her head silently to indicate no. How did she explain it without giving herself away otherwise? I'm fine. She breathed the words with more prideful oomph than she was aware she possessed. Thank you for your concern. I won't idle here long. She stood up slowly and dusted off the sand from her tattered clothing, looking over at the hulking specimen of a man with tired eyes.

Tongue in cheek, she looked him up and down. In the back of her mind, recognition flared. She didn't understand why, though, until she happened to get a glimpse of some of his tattoos. ...Chip? She asked incredulously, her brow knitting with confusion. You're not dead... In hindsight, that was probably the wrong phrasing but, as soon as she'd said the words aloud, a fresh wave of tears began.

This time, however, she was crying out of relief. It was like a punch to the gut to see him after nearly twenty years, but... It was a punch she welcomed all the same. It's me... Shaerana... She tilted her head back, tugging down the bandana that hid her ears from view. It's been too long. How have you been? She knew asking these questions out in the open like this was probably dangerous in itself, but she didn't want to risk bringing him or his clan down with her.

Her voice seemed familiar; like a memory buried in the back of his mind. And she moved to stand, he'd been afraid of that. Scaring her off; the beach was not theirs by rights, and many people traveled the coasts. Some searching for his clan, others... just to get where they were going.

She looked him up and down; this he was familiar with. That... was normal. It made him feel normal, more normal than he's felt in recent weeks. At least... until she uttered his name.

And he narrowed his eyes, studying her as if he'd find the secrets to life in her features. She introduced herself, crying quietly, and his lips pulled into an easy grin. Shaerana. He stepped closer, until he could reach out to pull her for a hug. What do you mean, I'm not dead? You're the one who's not dead. Shae, where'd you wash up? He was moving to settle back on the beach, and unless she squirmed free of him, he'd pull her down with him.

I've definitely been better... but, well. At least I'm still above water.

If he'd been anyone else, she might have frozen up. Hell, she might have done any number of things, including punch him. She'd been through hell over the course of twenty years, and she felt changed because of it. Tevinter. That was all she'd say on that for now. She didn't need to bore him with the details. She also didn't need to give him or anyone else more of a reason to hate humans.

She scrunched her nose just a little and chuckled morosely. I think that can be said for both of us... She mumbled the words with a shake of her head, unable to stop herself from leaning into his embrace. My... employer... and I left Tevinter five years ago, give or take. She looked down at some of the scars peeking out from her clothes and heaved a tired-sounding sigh. I finally was released from his employ a short while ago, and... I found my way here from Orlais... She shrugged like it wasn't a big deal.

It was a very big deal. She wouldn't bring up the trouble she'd run into on her way here, either. It'd been dealt with and the less he knew, the better off he'd be. May I ask what troubles you? She rested her head against his shoulder. I've got a couple ears you can bend and, if nothing else, I've learned how to keep my mouth shut over the years. Another morose chuckle slipped past her lips as she reached for one of his hands, mostly to give her hands something to occupy themselves with.

Xochipilli's jaw tightened, when she said Tevinter. He studied her, quietly, searching for scars—for visible damage. He knew how the People were treated in Tevinter, and it wasn't nice. Even worse than Orlais or Ferelden's treatment of Elves in their cities.

She leaned into his embrace, and he tightened his hold on her. Well, I do hope your slaver is dead. I'd hate to bloody my hands on a Vint. He growled the words under his breath, clearly the idea was enticing to the Keeper.

She shrugged it off, and he shook his head slightly. Well, she settled with her head on his shoulder, her fingers exploring one of his much larger hands. My daughter's gone missing. I'm worried she's been pulled into whatever's happening over in Antiva; girl wouldn't listen and stay home for anything.

Then there was his relationship with Carasson. The nightmares, the panic. The way they were both delicate and fragile, like a piece of clay that was put back together again. Their cracks were fully on display, and one wrong step might shatter them...

You're staying with the clan, Shae. It's not a question, more of an order. He'd rest his chin atop her head, You belong here. Doesn't matter how long it took for you to find your way home.

She chuckled a little and shook her head. Saw to his death myself. The way she spoke the words was without feeling. Between Andruil's whisperings and the whisperings of the spirits that tried to cast out Andruil in order to take over, her mind was tired. Still, for whatever reason, she fought. It seemed fighting was all she'd ever done for as long as she could remember. Even now, she was resisting the urge to relax and fold into the Keeper who'd once held her body far more intimately than this.

She closed her eyes and sighed the tiniest bit. ...I'm sorry about your daughter, but you shouldn't lose hope. You're her father, after all. She gave him a gentle nudge and would've even offered him a smile if not for the fact his chin rested atop her head. It was around the same time that she'd made that realization that she started to actually relax. Once she started to relax, she practically melted into him, almost seeming too tired to keep herself upright any longer. Her tears weren't far off.

How did the presence of one man mess up everything she'd ever known for the past twenty years? She'd been looking over her shoulder so long that the possibility of being able to establish roots was practically a foreign concept. She wiped her eyes and sniffled softly. ...what if my being here puts you all in danger, though? I'm... I'm a murderer... She couldn't even divulge the fact she'd killed another person without also divulging the fact she was the hostess to a shard of Andruil. The more paranoid part of her brain wondered if this was a ruse to get his clan secured.

Another part of her also envied the fact he'd managed to become a parent. She wouldn't have children in this life, and it pained her. Silently, she lifted her hand from his and moved it to rest against his face. I've missed you. She whispered the words, not quite sure where they were coming from. Would she have spoken such words to anyone else from their clan that she recognized? Perhaps, but... She tried to force the thought from her mind.

She expelled a quiet breath. ...and I can't allow you or yours to shelter me, Chip. It wouldn't be fair to any of you. Though his words were a comfort and they'd (probably) come from a good and decent place, she couldn't fathom putting any of them in danger. Unless he turned her in, what good would having her around do for any of them? Along with being a murderer, she was also a spirit mage. If she lost control even for a moment...

Chip chuckled softly at her response; of course she had. She was a better person for spilling the blood of someone so cruel. Ah, we'll find Chi. Eventually. He murmured, in agreement. He was worried, but Shaerana was right. He was Chi's father. And he'd stop at nothing until she was home again.

And then Shae was trying to reject the idea of staying with the clan. I've sheltered far worse from their demons. She claimed she was a murderer, and he scoffed softly. Where you see a murderer, I see someone practicing self-defense.

Her fingers traced his cheek, and he smiled down at her. I've missed you too. He leaned into her touch, humming softly as she continued to refuse the offer.

Let me tell you about Carasson... Carasson is my First, and for a while, we're not certain how long, Carasson was possessed by a shard of Falon'din. He tried to kill me a handful of times, came close to succeeding twice. Chip's voice is soothing, as if he's telling her a children's bedtime story. Carasson is my boyfriend, even today, after all of those misdeeds. Though things were strained.

They both had their trauma from it; Carasson remembered everything, even though Chip had desperately hoped he'd not. My Clan welcomed Carasson home, even though he is the reason we had to rebuild.

He reached to cup the woman's face in one hand, tilting her head back until she had to meet his eyes. So you, who have killed only to protect yourself, will find yourself welcomed.

Chip paused, before stating again: You're staying. I'll show you to your hut when you're ready.

She shook her head and pulled away from him. Their courts won't see a case for justified self-defense. They will see an elf that killed a human. They could be looking for me, Chip, and... I don't want to bring their wrath to your doorstep. You owe me nothing nor do you have to prove anything to me or anyone else. She made a move to stand, gritting her teeth to hide her discomfort. She wasn't aure how to proceed.

A younger, more impetuous her would have probably taken her frustration out on him in any way that she could. The time for that was long over, though. I'm glad you found happiness. You deserve it. One of them did, and it wasn't her. Thank you for letting me rest. She murmured, closing her eyes.

She had to get going soon. She didn't want to. She wanted to stay. She wanted to spend out the rest of her days with people like her who had similar traumas. She couldn't make her demons theirs, though. She wouldn't wish that on anyone nor would she be that selfish. How could she be?

They had families, people who cared for them, and people that they wanted to protect. Her throat tightened and she closed her eyes. The day she had been taken was the day any ties she thought she had, had been severed. You know... All those years ago, I had myself convinced we could be more than we were. I loved you, and I was so convinced we could one day be more but... then.... then I was taken and reality set in. I'm damaged, and there's nothing anyone can say or do to change that. She nervously licked her lips.

How did she say what was on her mind? I can't pretend to know everything you've gone through or everything you've felt. I can, however, say that I don't think it's fair to you or anyone else to be here when I can't offer anything. The only person tying me here is you, and that's not fair to you or anyone else. She shuffled a little. If... If you want, I can stay until you find your daughter - and even help - but... I can't fathom just staying permanently when it could mean trouble for you and yours down the line. She wiped her eyes and cleared her throat.

Chip frowned, and moved to stand as she did. Their courts will not find you here. He reached for her hand, fingers calloused from honest work, as he rubbed his thumb along the back of her hand. You underestimate me, Shae. I'm a Keeper, now, like I told you I would be. Back then, it'd been a dream of a young man.

She closed her eyes, and he frowned at her. They'd once been something to each other—quiet nights under the stars, listening to the ocean... You're not the only one who was convinced that we had a future. He murmured, reaching to cup her cheek in his hand.

She said she was damaged, and he bit his lip, held back the immediate response that was on the tip of his tongue. She was right; nothing he could say or do would change what she had endured. Nothing he could say or do would change how she saw herself; at least, not right now, when she didn't want to see herself as anything but a murderer, a ruined woman.

Xochipilli offered her a soft smile, as she agreed to stay. She gave him her terms, and he moved to pull her into his arms. Firstly, Shaerana, you're not less of a person because of what's happened to you. He spoke quietly, as he hugged her.

Secondly, you can look after children, no? We've lost our last babysitter, she learned a trade. And if I remember correctly, you were one hell of a fisher and cook. He chuckled softly, squeezing her gently as she cried.

Let's revisit whether you'll stay or go, after we find my girl, 'kay? You don't know what might happen, to make you want to stay. He loosened his hold on her, and moved to sit back in the sand, toes digging into the damp sediment.

Do you still star-watch?

She swallowed thickly and pressed her cheek into his palm when he cupped it. And I'm so proud of you. You've achieved so much in the time I've been gone. We should celebrate. It wasn't a suggestion. She'd find a way to make sure they both enjoyed their time spent together, even if it was only a few stolen moments. All too soon, the contact ended and she had to swallow a protest.

Just as she resisted that urge, Chip embraced her and she clung to him, burying her face into his shoulder. I'm glad you think so. Her words were muffled against his skin and, soon, she began to nuzzle her cheek against his neck. I-... I would be honored to help in whatever way I am able. It was an honor to be trusted in such a fashion, and she appreciated the faith he'd placed in her, even after all these years. Since you insist... He'd always known how to get his way with her and, just as she'd gotten used to him holding her, he was pulling away again.

She sank silently to the sand, letting the silence stretch between them. I do. Stars were the only thing that kept me going when I was in Tevinter. I always hoped you and the others might be looking up at the same stars and that your lives were better than the one I was leading. It was my only claim to something that reminded me of home... Saying it out loud made her realize just how messy her time in Tevinter had truly been. While it had not been pleasant, it had been all she'd had for a while... Hope... Which was a fickle mistress at best.

She sagged against his side and closed her eyes again. ...I must be honest with you, and I pray you still look at me as you do now. My slaver wasn't the only one I killed. There was another and, while it was under duress, that isn't the part that troubles me most. I am now the hostess of a shard of Andruil... It sounded crazy, and if felt even crazier to say it aloud. How could someone as low as her be the hostess to a shard of Andruil?

They'd settled on the ground, she was right there, in front of him. It was surreal; he wondered what Inala might think of the face from the past. He'd have to write her; and hope the winds carried his message to wherever she might be these days.

I'm proud of you, Shae. He reached to slip an arm around her, as she sagged against his side. Her eyes were closed, like she might expect an assault, or perhaps he'd throw her in the ocean mist and leave her here alone. You survived.

She talked about the stars, and he chuckled, letting his gaze lift to the sky. The stars were truly beautiful, when there was no unnatural light to dim their glory.

And her confession is met with silence. His grip on her loosened slightly, We've all killed people, Shae. It's part of surviving. The bit about being a shard caused him to exhale softly, That is troublesome. But it isn't the end of the world. Even though someone possessed by a shard had tried to kill him and had almost succeeded.

He squeezed her in a half-hug, face tilted to the stars. We'll get rid of your shard... when you're ready. He stated, that had been his issue with Carasson. The shard had had too harsh a hold on him, and he had offended the spirit when he'd tried to rid his boyfriend of it.

He wasn't stupid enough to make that mistake twice.

But tonight, we'll sit here and watch the stars.

She turned to look at him almost incredulously. You're proud of me? She was... Baffled... Relieved and baffled but baffled all the same. How did she even respond to that, aside from the usual disbelief and wide-eyed wonder? There's a difference between surviving and sheer brutality. Both of my... victims... were unrecognizable when I was through with them. Her throat tightened and she hastily averted her gaze before her tears could start to fall again.

She didn't know why she wept for those that had meant her harm. All she did know was that she was a threat and that she should probably be on her own, lest she hurt someone else. Surviving shouldn't come at the cost of someone else's life... Who are we to play judge, jury, and executioner? That, of course, was probably rich, coming from a spirit mage. Her life was a comedy of errors, and she was just another fool playing a part. It feels like the end of the world... How did she reconcile with herself the fact she was not only a murderer but had a constant voice in the back of her mind that told her to do horrible, horrible things or even went so far as to condone those horrible, horrible things she'd already done?

She couldn't help but smile the tiniest bit when he hugged her. You know... After all this... My biggest and only regret is that I was never able to have a family of my own. I keep thinking about what could've been and what I was robbed of and... She shrugged the tiniest, little bit. I'm not so sure it was ever in the cards for me. Tonight wasn't the night to tell him about what had transpired all those years ago. Maybe she'd never tell him.

It was her burden to bear, and the time for mourning had passed two decades ago. He had a life of his own now and, presumably, he was happy. After everything she'd been through, she didn't think it'd ever be possible for her to feel right again. She'd been robbed of more than just having a family. She'd also been robbed of her peace of mind. Whether it was because she was a murderer or because she was a mage or even because she was an elf, she'd always be looking over her shoulder... Of course, none of that accounted for what she'd been through while in Tevinter and Orlais. Why she kept fighting when the odds said she should've died was beyond her.

Perhaps, she just liked to suffer. Can you really remove the shard? Her query was nearly inaudible and, for once, she had the faintest spark of hope. Even so, as he mentioned watching the stars, she nodded without saying a word. Sounds like a plan to me. She said softly, her eyes twinkling faintly. Even as the words left her lips, she was getting comfortable, practically curling right into his side.

Chip smiled softly, as he hugged her tight. It's hard to take a life, yeah? She was sitting here, another member of Clan Rajmael. And he couldn't help but wonder if there were others; how many had ended up in a similar situation to Shaerana? He'd stopped looking too soon... He listened quietly, while she talked.

And finally, he responded: I think that they were not victims; you weep for them, so it isn't something you enjoyed doing. It was something you had to do, to escape, survive. To find your way to this beach. Idealistic. Possibly. But he's killed more than once to protect the clan.

And he'd kill again, to protect the clan.

It wasn't something he enjoyed. It wasn't something he wanted to do. But he'd always put the clan before himself. As a Keeper should. He squeezed her shoulder, Sometimes, surviving is the cost. It's not easy, living with ghosts, is it? He mused, settling his gaze towards the sky as she spoke about what she was robbed of.

Hmm. As long as there's a heart in your chest, and air in your lungs, I think there's a chance for new cards. She was settling against him, and he hummed. Don't discount the life that you want, just yet, Shae. The world's different, now. He meant on the level of existence; elves were regaining immortality, magic flowed freely... mages were treated as equal in most parts of Thedas.

I think so. I'll introduce you to someone who might be able to help. He promised, quietly. Now, no more tears. Not tonight.

For the first time in twenty years, she felt like she could relax. It was an odd sort of feeling, to say the least. All she'd ever wanted was to feel like she was safe. In the few moments she'd been with Chip, she felt more than safe. She felt like someone was finally in her corner and that she no longer had to worry about being on the run, even if a part of her still thought that to be the best solution to this mess she'd found herself in. You make an amazing Keeper. She observed softly, reaching up to capture his cheek in the palm of her hand.

Closing the gap between them, she pressed her lips softly to his other cheek. Your partner is quite lucky. She wasn't buttering him up but, rather, she was speaking the truth. ...also, you shouldn't blame yourself for anything that happened. I know better than anyone how easy it is to shoulder the blame, but... You shouldn't. One man or even a battered few would've been no match for the monstrosity that is and always has been Tevinter. Her hand fell away from his face, reaching blindly for one of his hands, which she took and held onto tightly.

She wasn't sure of much of anything anymore, but she was certain that this man deserved the world and all its riches. He'd overcome so much, and he'd overcome even more. That, she was quite confident of, and she looked forward to seeing him grow and develop into an even better man. The stars are particularly beautiful tonight... She hummed, listening to the ocean as it lapped the shore. It was a sound she'd missed. It was a sound she welcomed, especially now that she had damned good company to share the experience with.

At his acknowledgment, she nodded her head slowly, though fear gripped her heart. You trust this person, yes? I don't have to worry about the authorities or... She trailed off with a slow shake of her head. Right, no more tears. For now, she packed away all of her emotional baggage in a place where not even she'd be able to reach it. Hopefully, for now, that would suffice as she tried to drown out Andruil's influence with the sound of Chip's ever steady heartbeat.