...damn it, why do i think?

Xochipilli would never admit it, but he was hung up on his warleader. His best friend. The mother of his child. That child was practically grown now, though. And he couldn't help but think back to when she'd been just learning to walk, clinging to each of their hands, stumbling between them through the forest.

He'd hoped she would stumble around a boat the first few years of her life. But that didn't happen. He'd also hoped to name her after someone long dead, and that hadn't happened either.

Chip had never had the leisure of being relaxed. He'd protected his sister with everything he was, until it wasn't enough. He'd then turned that protective nature towards Inala, until she shoved him away and declared herself strong enough to stand on her own.

And when Inala had finally ended their whirlwind romance brought about by grief, he'd not admitted that he loved her. He thought it had been love, but grief did funny things to people, and that was why he didn't admit it.

Why he still wouldn't. It might not be the same for her. Besides, he was fine just knowing she was safe, that she was helping him lead their clan, rebuild what was lost. Bring back bits of the past so that nothing was forgotten.

They'd raised their daughter, their little accident, together. Co-parented her as healthy as one might expect when their relationship had ended on good terms. She'd grown up alright; not as fucked up as some kids, that was for sure. He suspected his daughter's acting out had to do with the fact her parents were both extremely high in the hiearchy of their society.

And he'd hoped she'd show magic, so she'd be next.

But alas. She was more like her mother than he cared to admit. Probably a good thing. He had to hope she didn't get stuck in her head, like he did. Like he currently was.

Should anyone require the Keeper this night, they'd find him floating in the ocean, on his back, staring up at the stars. He'd left without telling anyone where he was going; though they'd probably figure it out if they considered the date.

It was the anniversary of everything.

The end, the beginning.

He blew a breath past his lips, and murmured a lazy spell, little balls of water floating into the air overtop of him, drifting lazily through the air. It had been one of his sisters' favorite things to play with as a child.

On the surface, the day had been a happy one. Perhaps a little bittersweet, but still happy. It was, after all, both a celebration of life and death. Inala had seen to ensuring that her daughter's birth day was not weighed down with the death of her friend. Of the clan. Everyone. It needed to be a joyous day. One that celebrated what they still had.

It didn't mean, however, that she didn't mourn quietly. That just beneath the surface, she was torn apart. Chi would never see it, though. Of that, Inala was set upon. She'd do everything to make her daughter happy. Having just turned 17, Chi was going to soon be on to great things for the Clan - once she picked her vallaslin. A ritual she, herself, had done not long after she and Chip had joined this clan. It had seemed foreign to her at first, but it simply made sense now. The difference, after all, was semantic. This was merely a permanent fixture. Solid and unchanging.

Unlike the chaos of her life. Or what had been her life before Varahel.

Day had quickly passed into night, and before long, she was braiding her daughter's hair before they'd turn in for sleep. She'd heard someone leaving the camp, though. As silent as the night was, a certain someone was not so quiet as he likely thought he'd been. Footfalls too heavy, weighed down with the pressure of leadership - and memories of the past.

Stifling a sigh, Inala finished plaiting her daughters hair and gave her a kiss atop her head. You're all set, my love. Time to get some rest. We've a big day tomorrow with that hunt I promised. After offering Chi a hug, she was soon to sneak away herself.

Twas not hard to find Chip after she left camp. They stayed along the coast for a reason, after all. Both of them felt the constant pull to the sea. They needed this.

Inala's footfalls were silent as she moved toward the water. She'd spotted her friend with a casual ease.

She's eventually going to start asking questions, Inala said to draw attention to herself. Wading into the water without hesitation, she found a rock that protruded up through the glittering surface. Perching on it, she allowed her feet to dangle in the water. The cool sensation washing over her like a warm memory.

Like why her father cannot even wait till she's asleep before sneaking out of camp like a curious child. A bittersweet, but fond smile tugged at her lips as she looked at Chip.

A scowl drifted across his features. Eventually, she'll be old enough to know what happened. He murmured, as he righted himself to find her in the dark. She's always been curious. And I've always covered my tracks, he pointed out, as if she didn't already know.

He'd gifted their daughter a new pearl jewelry piece, built with seashells and starfish, each one more unique than the last. And he'd done this the day after her birthday, to make up for and distract from the fact he left before she went to sleep. When she was younger, it was easier. He had to put her to bed, had to read her a story, had to tell her a story. Now? Every year she got older, she needed him less. At least, that was how it seemed. He huffed, flinging a ball of water at Inala. It's not my fault this day marks so many endings.

He held up his hands, counting as he spoke: The clan died. Chi. We got together. We fell apart. She was born. We came here. His voice was even as he spoke, his gaze roaming over her, before drifting up to the sky. We got our vallaslin... So much more. We got a new life. There is an entire history we keep from her. He felt a little bit guilty about keeping it all from his daughter, but at the same time... He never wanted her to know that kind of hurt.

Inala pursed her lips at him. She's 17, Chip, how old is old enough? She'd never shared anything, out of respect. But keeping the truth from someone was not in her nature. At his remark of covering tracks, she couldn't help but laugh out loud at his expense. I heard you leaving the camp earlier. You always did walk too heavily. The grin on her lips told she was teasing.

The water hit her and, in instinct, she kicked at the water to fling more back at him. She'd no fancy spells or tricks, but it didn't mean she couldn't splash her melancholy friend right back.

You mention her birth like it's an ending. Inala folded her arms over her chest, a frown creasing her features. That's not fair to her. She suddenly wished she had something to throw at him, to maybe knock some sense in. Her eyes scanned the area around them in the darkness. Sadly, there was nothing. And she wasn't about to pull her hair out to throw an actual weapon at him.

With a sigh, she settled for kicking more water in his direction. Stop acting like you died with them. You didn't. I didn't. We've built a new family. There is life born from the ashes.

Chip huffed, as she splashed him, raising a hand to shield his face. He was standing now, moving towards her. Her birth was the end of us. She picked a shit day to be born, if only she'd waited one more day, or come a day early. He was joking, though, and the curl to his lips said as much. Our new family is... not the same. I miss the ocean, the ferries. He huffed, and carefully rested his arms across her legs, to keep her from splashing him further. He leaned into her, pursing his lips. Don't you ever wonder what we would be, if not for this day? He raised his eyebrows. Maybe Chi would have siblings. He snorted at the idea; he'd sworn off more children long ago, because more children meant more heartbreak in the end.

He shifted, to pull himself up onto the rock next to her, now. You two are going hunting tomorrow? Is she excited? Sometimes, he felt like he was too busy to truly be a father. Sometimes he missed the days where an infant absolutely needed his attention, and he had to ignore his duties in favor of the child.

Inala frowned slightly, then rolled her eyes. You don't think I'd have loved to shove her out of me sooner than I did? Little shit was late as it was. She'd not exactly enjoyed being pregnant. While it had not stopped her from performing her duties, it had certainly made them more difficult. Especially the further along she'd gotten. The smile on her lips, though, was a fond one. Little shit or not, she did love her daughter dearly and wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.

Soon enough Inala was blocked from being able to splash her friend more, as Chip leaned on her legs. One brow twitched as she looked from his arms up to his face. Is that what this is about? she asked, dodging his question. Though he mentioned siblings and Inala nearly choked. Shoving a finger against his lips she shook her head. Don't you say a word about that. I'd sooner let a halla ride me before getting pregnant again.

After a beat, she let out a chuckle and dropped her hand, letting it fall back down to the rock to prop her up. They could always find a child in need of a home, though, if they truly wanted more kids around. Of that fact, Inala was certain. From what she remembered seeing in Denerim in her visit, there were plenty of children that would likely desire to run away with the Dalish.

Inala moved slightly to allow room on her rock for Chip to join her. I believe so, she responded, peering up at the sky. It's hard to tell if it's really what she wants to do, though. Inala let out a sigh. You know how she is. This wasn't their first hunt, but it would be the first where Chi would lead. Chi was most certainly old enough to even go alone if she'd desired, but Inala wasn't sure if there was true initiative. Or if she was just trying to please her mother.

Chip chuckled fondly, rolling his eyes. I'd pay to see a halla riding you. He teased, mercilessly. She had not enjoyed being pregnant; and more than once he had brought up the option of going to the takuta, and taking a tonic. He'd never wanted Inala to feel obligated to carry his child; but she had been steadfast in her decision.

Best damn decision she'd ever made, if he had to pick from every decision ever. Mmm. Perhaps, I'll come with you on the hunt for a little bit. He was more confident in leaving the clan without him, now that he had a First who was old enough to be worth anything.

Mmm. Well, perhaps we should think about trading her out. Or sending her to Arlathan. She shouldn't be under her parents forever. While many families did stay together, many more still opted to trade their children out of the clan for others of like training.

Inala laughed, trying hard to stifle a bit of a snort that threatened to emerge. You must have missed me carrying one of the flock back to camp, she replied with a hum. That had not been her favorite day - or trip, in general. But it had been for the clan, for Chip, and so she'd gone with no complaint. Well. Perhaps a few minor complaints.

She shrugged, That's up to your daughter. At this age, the last thing Inala would try to do was force her daughter to do anything. Which made it difficult, at times. She didn't think she was pushing, and yet on the flip side often felt she was. Pushing her to be a hunter. To be a warrior. Something. Anything for the clan. But was it what Chi wanted?

Chip's words drew her back to the moment and she couldn't help but frown slightly. Perhaps Arlathan would be good for her. A sigh. Inala leaned forward and rested her chin in her hands, staring now at the water as it lapped at her legs. We should offer her the choice, I suppose. It's only fair. But she needs to pick her vallaslin. Another clan might not accept her without it. Or judge us poorly for it. Her frown deepened.

We don't truly know any of the other clans. Could we really send her away to one, not knowing who she was going to live with? Lifting her head back up, she peered at Chip. As if he'd have all the answers. Likely, he felt just as worried as she did about the whole affair. Or, well... she hoped he did. Hoped she wasn't the only stressed worry-wart of their slightly broken family.

Chip chuckled under his breath. He had missed that return to the clan, he'd been dealing with a pair of unruly children who had been spreading stories about the return of the werewolves. It had caused much undue fear amongst the people he was in charge of.

She mentioned that it was up to Chi if he came with them, and he scrunched his nose at her. Yeah, I guess it is. Well, hopefully she'll have me. He couldn't hedge a bet on whether the answer was yes or not; the girl could be as stubborn and mercurial as either of her parents at times.

You know, there's rumors the gods walk amongst us once more. He mused, quietly. She should be careful of what vallaslin she picks, lest she finds herself the center of the wrong gods attention. He'd not actually tell the child what to do, because he didn't know which gods were back, if at all. It was better to be weary, though.

We can offer her the choice to go. And if she decides to go, we'll escort her. He studied Inala, the worry on her features was matched by his own. She's growing up, 'Na. If she leaves and does not like it, she will always have a home with us. He leaned to pull her into a half-hug.

And should she leave, we'll visit. It wouldn't be like days of old, where they were traded off and that was that. The times were changing, and Chip had no problems changing with them. And if she stays, we'll take her to see Arlathan. Everyone should have a chance to see it. He'd been considering taking the clan through Antiva as a whole; he'd heard things from merchants and travelers about Arlathan.

Usually people left their clans to see the grand city; but he had heard of few clans moving nearby to Arlathan, to both bask in its glory but support their own way of life.

Inala leaned into the half-hug, worry still etched on her features. I still worry. I'd hate her to be hurt before she could return to us, if it came to that. She chewed on her lower lip, staring into the water. Perhaps the clan itself should go to Arlathan. Who are we to prevent anyone here from going and even staying, if they desire?

She'd been thinking about the Arlathan visit for some time now. In the back of her mind, always a consideration since they'd learned of it. Would it be practical to move the clan? What would make it more so? All the details she hadn't even shared with Chip yet.

I couldn't stay there, but... it wouldn't hurt the clan to go... would it? she asked, finally shifting her gaze to look at Chip. The rumblings of darkspawn do not strengthen my desire to remain here, either. She added, as if there need be another excuse to leave the area. To visit a new locale. See something different.

Chip hummed, agreement as she spoke about worrying that their child might be injured before she could return home to them. And then suggested visiting Arlathan, tumbling right into the dawkspawn threat.

Yeah, the darkspawn are an issue. But we survived the last time on the oceans. And... I'm not sure some of the elders could make the trek to Arlathan. He rested his chin against her knee, treading water. He was quiet, thinking. We should go back to the waters. If the darkspawn become more of a threat, we should be fairly safe. And we could travel as needed. Teagan wouldn't need to go across land for supplies and news, he mused, adjusting to pull himself up beside of her.

Settled, he bumped her with his shoulder. You can't tell me you don't miss the ocean. The way the waves rock you to sleep, the fresh air, and views. He murmured, tilting his head to study her. It makes sense, Inala, to return to the oceans with our clan. There's no need to risk losing our elders to illness traveling across land to Arlathan, nor is there sense in sending our Hearthkeeper out across land. If land is too dangerous, we know how to adopt to the seas.

A frown crossed Inala's lips. They are not invalids, Chip. Perhaps she overestimated them where she felt he underestimated, but regardless, they needed to bring everyone. And going would mean they were all safe.

You believe we could go on the waters before going to Arlathan? The aravels are not sea-worthy. The frown didn't fade as she noted one of the biggest reasons heading back to the sea would be problematic.

Of course I miss it, she sighed. I want nothing more than to return, but we're not ready, Chip. The majority of this clan has never been to sea. Nor are and of our supplies or aravels prepared for sea travel. It had been clear when they first arrived that this clan, like so many - she imagined - did not ever intend to cross waters. Or live upon them.

Perhaps we could break down our aravels, charter passage for ourselves to the Free Marches. Find a safe place there to rebuild them for the sea? Her brain immediately kicked into planning mode, wondering if they could find anyone that would have room for the clan on a ship to get them away from Ferelden. Safer until they could get back to sea.

Once we can get to sea, we could traverse the waters to get to Arlathan. I've studied the maps, it's possible...

They cannot travel an entire continent, Inala. He scowled, rubbing his face with both hands. I don't know what I believe. I hope we could get onto the waters before Arlathan... He grumbled at her, as he cupped his face in his hands. He didn't often grouch and grumble, but sometimes Inala's rationality was his least favorite thing about her.

She kept talking, despite his grumbling, and he listened. Then he was quiet, straightening up. I don't know about the Free Marches... the stories about that place— he shook his head slowly, But maybe that's how we do it...

Sometimes, most of the time actually, Inala's ideas were good. Annoying, for sure, because he wasn't terribly pleased to be outsmarted. But then... he'd never been the genius out of the group of them.

We'll start preperations tomorrow, then? He raised his eyebrows, waiting for her approval. Her tactician's mind was something he couldn't grasp himself; he let his heart guide him a lot of the time, dreams and wishes over rational and logic.

Inala nudged him with her foot, still a slight frown upon her lips. Do not scowl at me, Xochipilli, I am not saying we make it a forced march. Regardless, she went on, explaining her thoughts. The same thoughts she'd had for a time. Regardless of how they did it, they always needed to dismantle their aravels to cross to the Marches. No ship she knew of would handle fully constructed aravels. They were too large; ships in their own right.

We cannot stay here, it's not safe, she interjected. Though it seemed unnecessary, as he seemed to come around to the idea on his own.

The question came and she pursed her lips, shifting her gaze toward the sky in thought. No, she finally answered, cutting an extended silence. Talk to the others first, quietly. Others, like Taegen, deserved a say in the matter. There are quiet preparations we must make. We need to ensure the halla will be prepared for the journey; we cannot abandon the flock.

Inala leaned forward slightly, perching her chin on her hand as she peered unseeing into the water now. Taegen will also need to secure supplies for the journey, and beyond; until we establish trade. With a sigh, she leaned back up and gave Chip a more grave look. We should also consider allowing some of our warriors to stay, if they choose to fight. I received a raven two days ago from the Grey Wardens requesting our aide... I did not want to burden you with it until I had spoken to my warriors and figure who might wish to fight.

She didn't feel comfortable giving all of Varahel to it like in the past, not like she'd heard their last keeper did. Their numbers had never fully recovered from losses then. They could not recover now - not mentally, at least. The toll would be too great on her own mind, to say nothing about how she felt Chip would react.

Xochipilli scoffed at her, as she nudged him, calling him out. His full name, too. He leaned back, sighing softly. Sometimes, I wonder if you shouldn't be Keeper in my place. He chuckled softly, reaching to tug her hair between his fingers. You're much more rational than I. That is, perhaps, your one fault.

He shook his head, listening quietly as she spoke about the raven she had received. No. The Grey Wardens take, take, take. I want to be gone before they come to take as many able-bodies as they can. This isn't our fight, Inala. It's not our child's. It's not our people's battle.

His voice was hard, This clan hasn't recovered from the last time they gave their aide. And what happens if we need our warriors when we get to the Marches? I cannot promise we'll be well-received.

Chip sighed, burying his face against her shoulder, muttering quietly, Tell your warriors I've forbid it. They live with the clan, they help the clan. The Grey Wardens needs are not ours.

He moved to get up, pausing to press a kiss to her temple. Giving too much aid is how we lose. Again. With those words, he disappeared back into the water, with a quiet splash. She'd see him leaving a few yards down the beach, he didn't linger, because he trusted her to handle herself. There was nothing in this forest that he wasn't aware of, for the time being, things were safe.