A scream split the night, such as had never been heard before, within the walls of the Coterie's dormitories. Anguish. Agony. Despair beyond imagining... And the source of the sound was the least likely of all who resided there. Haulean... a young man who had the sunniest disposition you ever did see. But the sunlight had been overtaken by a veritable storm cloud, as he collapsed to the floor of his shared bedroom, sobbing his soft little heart out. Never before had he ever displayed such grief... such pain. If he ever had, he'd hidden it well.
Just moments before, he'd been fine. Haulean and the three other boys that bunked in the room were settling down for bed, playing and joking, roughhousing a little, and having a good time. The blonde half-elf had pulled a small folded and sealed letter out of the pocket of his coat, now having time to read the message that had arrived an hour or so ago. It was from his mother, it had to be! But the hand it was written in belonged to one of his 'aunties'; a friend that his mother often referred to as her sister. Before he'd had a chance to read beyond the first words of greeting, the piece of paper was unceremoniously plucked from his hand, and held aloft by the oldest boy in the room. "Ooooooh Rabbit's got a sweetheart!"he teased, jovially. "About bleedin' time!"
Everyone, including Haulean, giggled. However, Haulean immediately leapt to his feet and attempted to retrieve it. "I do not!" he argued. "Give it back, it's from my mum!" A playful game of Keep Away ensued, as all of the other boys were a sight taller than Haulean was. Everyone was scampering about, giggling breathlessly, when finally the eldest obtained the letter once more, and began to read aloud as he kept his distance from its recipient. "My dearest Haulean!" he began, in simpering falsetto, which sent everyone into yet another chorus of laughter. "It is with a heavy hea... oh shit..." he trailed off, expression sobering, and was damn near slammed into by little Haulean, who then snatched the letter back, and hopped backward a few paces. The boy who'd been reading had gone a bit pale, and the giggles subsided, while Haulean now read the letter in tense silence.
It read:
My dearest Haulean,
It is with a heavy heart that I write to inform you of your mother's passing. The sickness has finally taken her, and she is in pain no more. I know that you will want to come back, but you must not. By the time you receive this, she will already have been buried. She did not want you to risk sneaking out again, as you have likely already been punished for doing so on your birthday. By her wishes, you are given leave to open the parcel that was given to you, that night. Know that she loved you to the end, and will always be with you. The hearts of your aunties go out to you, and you are in our prayers.
Sincerely,
Auntie A.
Haulean read it over, and over again... At least four times, before his world swam, his knees hit the ground, and the scream tore its way from him involuntarily. Then came the instant onslaught of tears, as the petite youth crumpled the rest of the way to the floor, and curled into a ball. "Shit! Somebody needs to go get Nairn!" came the panicked words of one of the boys. Which one, Haulean was too far gone to register. "Fucking GO!" And then the sound of feet pounding frantically, as someone ran off to seek help of some sort. Someone had to go out and fetch Nairn. Of all people, he was the one Haulean was closest to. Surely he could help calm the boy down? No one had ever seen him like this, and thus... they were panicking, and at a loss as to what to do. Even as three of them picked the sobbing boy up and placed him on his bed, he didn't seem to register. He was lost to them, for the moment.
Nairn was in his study, not yet returning home. As it were, Megara was late to return this night, working. And when she worked late, so would he. Fair was only fair. It was not expected that someone would burst into the study, in a fit of panic. But the moment the door burst open, and he registered that the intruder was just one of the children of the Coterie, he released the knife he'd grasped.
"Haul— he meeds h-help." It was all the boy could think to say. And Nairn pulled a coat on, urging the messenger to lead the way; though he knew the way to the dormitories, and was aware who bunked where, as he'd created the assignments.
Once they reached the dorm, Nairn stood in the doorway, studying the sobbing child, curled fetal. His gaze scanned the room, blue eyes narrowing on the parchment in the center of the room, disregarded on the floor.
He stooped, reading through it silently. And then he neatly folded the letter, and settled on the floor beside of the bed. Boys, it may be best that you bunk in another room for the night. He smiled softly at the three of them; they were not much older nor younger than Haulean, each skilled, but not with grief. They, unlike the boy on the bed, were proper orphans.
As they departed, Nairn leaned against the bed, and quietly hummed. For a while, that and the rough breathing of the crying boy was all that could be heard in the room. And then he spoke: Tell me about your mother, Haulean. It wasn't an order, but it certainly wasn't a question. It was a way to gauge whether the boy cared to talk about her or if it was too soon.
He'd been staring at the door, now shut, with his back to the bed. But now, he turned to his side, back to the wall. What was she like? Talking about his mother had helped him, when she'd died. Though, the first time Bertie had asked about her, Nairn had about cut his throat over the question. After that, the topic never came up over training. It'd come much later, on an evening walk through the streets, on their way to a client's first meeting. And it had felt refreshing, that night, to talk about what he remembered of the woman.
The stunned bewilderment of the other boys would have been comical, under other circumstances. Haulean was usually the one to comfort and console others. If ever he was sad, he tended to play it off until he was alone, or with Colt, Nairn or Meg. And usually, it didn't last long. But this... this was a whole other side of the boy, and not something that they knew what to do with, when faced with such utter brokenness from their resident ray of sunshine. Hell... they all had tears in their eyes, from hearing those gut-wrenching sobs out of Haulean, of all people. However, they did their best to hold it in, and offer what awkward words of comfort that they could, until help arrived. They'd even sat around him on the bed, or floor.
The moment Nairn entered the room, they were all on their feet and speaking at once, obviously genuinely shaken by the night's events. But the gentle words from the one official adult in the room had them moving to grab their things, and vacate with a few concerned glances at the weeping boy. They even closed the door as quietly as possible, and shooed on any onlookers that crept too close to the door.
Haulean, meanwhile, was a mess. His pale locks stuck to his tear-stained face, he'd bitten his lip hard enough to bleed, and he was shaking so hard that his teeth chattered. He'd been trying so hard to get his mother treatments, medicines, anything that could help her get better. But now she was gone, and he felt more alone than when he had first come to this place.
Somewhere, through the fog of his grief, he heard the humming. While it did not cease his sobs, it did help to settle them a bit, so that they weren't echoing off of the walls. It made it so that the quiet instruction was heard, and for a moment, Haulean had to bury his face into the pillow as a fresh wave wracked his small frame. But he was running out of energy, and that also was gradually lowering the volume of his cries. "Sh-she was an angel..." the boy choked out, hugging himself through the softening sobs. "Even s-sick as she was, she always l-looked like an angel. S-smiling. Loving. N-never wished h-harm on anybody. Always t-took care of me the b-b-best she could..."
Nairn smiled softly, the slightest of smiles as the boy detailed his mother through his sobs. I never knew that you had a mother, when you were dropped off here. But the woman being sick, explained enough. Not everyone could care for their young, and the Coterie was marginally better than an orphanage or the streets on their lonesome. At least the Coterie gave them a chance.
She sounds like a lovely lady. He mused, glancing to the carefully folded letter. He'd slip it under the boy's pillow; he might want it someday. And it's good that she tried her best, the world's too dangerous a place to traverse alone.
He did not reach to touch the boy, not keen on physical affection. Even if he knew it might help the boy; he'd let Haulean initiate any kind of affection-seeking rather than give it on his own. I want you to sit up, now. And breathe deeper, can't have you fainting because you've breathed too shallowly.
His own mother's death had not been quite as devastating; she had never sought him after he was spirited away. And he'd understood it; as the eldest of a handful of kids in a poor family, with nothing to their name, he was better off. And now, of course, he knew he'd been better off. His siblings, some had not survived their childhood; others turned to substances, and some worked tirelessly at things they hated. Souls sucked dry, and he was not keen on seeing the boy in front of him experience something similar.
You can miss her, but you cannot let the mourning swallow you whole.
"N-no one was s-supposed to know..." the boy said, brokenly. "She s-said it wouldn't be s-s-safe. I c-couldn't even say her n-name." Fresh tears spilled from stormy blue eyes, and Haulean scrubbed his face with his sleeves as he wept into them. "Sh-she was always w-worried the B-Bad People would f-find me. I don't even kn-know if they were r-real... she'd n-never tell me wh-who they were."
The mild order to sit up and breathe was not heeded for a few heartbeats. Then a few more. Haulean didn't want to sit up. Or breathe. He wanted his mother... and his father.
That last thought finally prompted the boy to move, but instead of just sitting up, he found himself slipping down off the bed, and clumsily curling up against Nairn. He knew he likely wouldn't receive much back, but he needed the closeness. now more than ever. As he moved, there was a paper-like crinkling sound from within the mattress, and Haulean just stared in confusion for a moment or two. Then he remembered.
The parcel.
"I n-need... I... I can't... g-get it." Haulean wasn't exactly the strongest of boys, but the emotional upheaval had sapped him of just about everything. Thus, he couldn't seem to find the strength to lift the corner of he mattress, and retrieve the thick, sealed and corded envelope of sorts, that was addressed to him in his mother's hand. Not being able to get to it was distressing him all over again, and Haulean looked up at his mentor with helpless, pleading eyes. "N-nairn.. please... I n-need it..."
The way the boy sobbed reminded Nairn of a time when Haulean was small, and had fallen down and scraped his knee. Though this pain was nothing like that pain, he couldn't help but think of it. Especially as the boy clambered clumsily into Nairn's lap. Alright, hold on, he murmured, leaning forward to dip his hand underneath the mattress, lifting it easily.
The boy wasn't the strongest, and the toll a loss like this took wasn't to be overlooked. Besides, Haulean was quick, a good pickpocket and thief. One of the better in the group of orphans. Even if he wasn't quite as orphaned as Nairn had once thought. The thick, corded envelope was snagged in his other hand, and the mattress dropped.
And the envelope was carefully settled into the boys hands. What was your mother's name? He inquired, curiously. As he asked the question, he added, I might know what she was so frightened of. Given my line of business. Nairn was more than a pickpocket; and as the person structuring the Coterie now, especially, he had his fingers in all kinds of business, legit and illegal. He knew many people, and if this woman had been frightened of someone, then it was likely not legal business.
The stress and panic that had begun to bubble their way to the surface subsided, when Nairn kindly agreed to retrieve the sought after item, and deftly did so. When it was nestled into his trembling hands, Haulean hugged it to him and closed his eyes, murmuring a soft word of thanks. Being able to hold the last gift his mother had ever given him meant so very much to the grieving boy, even if he didn't yet know what was inside.
When asked his mother's name, the petite youth hesitated a bit. But. At Nairn's further explanation, he felt himself inwardly relenting. This was Nairn... the one person he trusted more than anybody else in the world, apart from his mother. Not to say he didn't trust anybody else, because there was also Meg who was like a second mother to him. And of course, Colt. They were his family, too. And now that his mother was gone... he had to work harder to ensure that he remained useful and wanted.
Sniffling softly, Haulean leaned his head against Nairn's shoulder, and let his trembling fingers tug at the cording around the envelope. "L-Leilani." he said ohhhh so softly. "She... she used to w-work at the R-Rose." he took a shaky, hesitant breath, then, knowing he was opening up a big jar of worms with this topic. "Did... did you know her?"
It wouldn't have been all that surprising. The Blooming Rose, aka 'The Rose', was basically the brothel, in Kirkwall. Leilani had been there long before Haulean was born. And, if distant memory served, he had seen Nairn in there, when he was too small to really register. At least... he thought he had. In passing, maybe, when he was scurrying about and finding little nooks and crannies to hide in. Haulean never know whom, in particular, visited his mother, because she didn't talk about such things in front of him, and always made sure to keep him well clear of her 'work'.
Finally, his shaking hands freed the envelope, and he opened it up, working at tugging free the thick sheaf of papers... a lot of which looked... old. Tattered. Letters? The topmost one was fresh, and dated the day before his birthday. When he tugged it all free, something clattered to the floor, sparkling in the dim firelight. Bleary eyes tracked the small object, and welled with fresh tears upon seeing that it was his mother's favorite ring. Supposedly, it had been a gift from his father. With another sniffle, Haulean picked it up and clutched it tightly. He didn't yet have the courage to read what had been written.
But the first page read:
"My Haulean. My little Golden Light.
If you are reading this, then I have left this world. I know how much your sweet and loving heart hurts right now, but know that I am still with you. I will watch over you, always, ma nehn, and you are not alone. You have a family with you, already, to help pick you back up and help you through this somber chapter. More of one than you realize, though I know that you have already begun to put the pieces together, you clever boy. Though I would never give you a direct answer, before, I feel it is time; the answer is yes. The man you speak of so often in your visits is your father. I have always known. And you, da'len, puzzled it out much quicker than I had anticipated. I never told you, because we had both agreed it was safer if neither of you knew one another; that is why he did not know you. That is why your name sparked no recognition. That is why I made you promise to keep his true name, my name, and the surname I gave you locked away in your heart, where no one would ever hear them. But now, you have my blessing to make yourself truly known to him. I am gone, now, and you will need each other more than ever. I have enclosed proof enough, should he require it, but I very much doubt that such will be needed, if he is the man I know him to be. I spoke the truth, when I said that he is a good man, with a good heart, and that he cared for you more than you know. May you forgive me, for keeping the whole truth from you, and may he forgive me for not telling him that you were in his care until now. Promise me that you will continue to be the shining golden light, for which you were named. Promise me that you will live your life to the fullest, and let light and happiness in, even in your darkest hour. There is always a glimmer to be found, if you only look for it. I love you more than there are stars in the sky.
With all of my heart and soul,
your Mamae"
The rest were all older letters. Some, unsent ones addressed to his father, with the use of his given name. These were little accounts of Haulean's early years, such as his first words, when he learned to walk, etc. All of the little things she'd wished to be able to tell him, but knew she couldn't. Even one that was written when she knew she had fallen ill, and was worrying about what to do for their child, should something happen to her. Always she would close it with her love, and the reassurance that she was simply getting things off of her chest, rather than writing with the intent to send. It was almost like a diary. There were other letters from his father. Some from long before Haulean had been born or conceived. There were even pressed flowers between some of the pages. Clearly, these had all been kept with the utmost care and love.
Nairn's mouth felt dry, like he had swallowed cotton, when the boy told him his mother's name. And where she'd worked. He cleared his throat, quietly. I did know her. He'd known her very well, and he knew she'd never had more than one child. She'd been a sickly woman, and the fact she could conceive in the first place had been a surprise. Which was just one of many reasons that Nairn hadn't insisted she terminate the pregnancy. She'd been so excited to be a mother...
We were close friends, he murmured. He was distractedly watching Haulean open the package from his mother, sharp eyes caught the ring that clattered to the floor before the boy snatched it up. He'd discarded the papers, and Nairn leaned to thumb through the letters addressed to him with a name he no longer used, and others addressed from him under that same name.
He'd never loved Leilani, not romantically. But he had loved her as a friend, as a confidante. How many nights had he visited with her after taking Megara out on dates, to gush to her about the woman he loved...? It'd been so long ago, now. She'd never judged him, never laughed at him for stammering or stuttering.
He'd never slept with her, not after he started courting Megara seriously. But he'd been unable to give up that friendship, especially feeling responsible for the child they had sired together.
She hadn't even told him it'd been a boy. The child was kept a secret, as if it didn't exist, save for the coin he'd give her each time they met. A secret from his enemies, and no-one would ever be the wiser.
Except now.
Nairn sat just behind Haulean, pursing his lips. She and I grew up together. He finally stated, as if that would absolve him of everything in front of him; make it any less real. Surely she'd never used his alias in her letters to the boy—
Used to run the streets together. Both of us, from families with too many mouths to feed.
Haulean's heart started pounding, when Nairn admitted to knowing his mother. Enough that he'd begun clutching the ring tight enough to make it bite into the skin of his palm, where a couple of the gems protruded slightly. Close friends... He kept his eyes closed, trying to settle his heart rate, his breathing... and not to let more tears escape. His head was already throbbing from all of the upheaval. Vaguely, he heard the rustling of paper, but paid it no mind just yet.
Eventually the pain in his palm made the petite boy relax his hold, and slip the intricate ring onto his own finger; surprisingly, it fit. But he'd always been smallish.
"If..." Gods above, did he have the courage to ask? If not now, when? Nairn claimed that they grew up together, which... he knew could only mean one thing. Because, otherwise, so many other things didn't add up. And without even reading the letters, he opened his eyes, looked into his bleeding palm, then shifted so that he could lift his tear-filled eyes to meet Nairn's.
"Then why didn't you know who my mother was, until just now?" he asked, more directly and more seriously than he'd ever asked anything of Nairn. There was still a vulnerability and sadness in his tone. An obvious fear of what turns this conversation could take. But he was trying to be brave.
Once again, he was shaking. Afraid. Worried that if Nairn was who he thought he was... that suddenly he would lose him. Maybe he hadn't wanted him, and would now distance himself, or make him leave? Maybe he'd be angry. What if he lost everyone he considered family, in one fell swoop? And one more heartbreaking thought... what if Nairn lied to him, in this moment?
Nairn studied the boy, Because I made her promise to never let us meet. He stated, quite simply. And so, she never told me your gender, your name, or implied your appearance. He gave a dry chuckle, studying the child at his side.
When I came back from my injuries after the Boom, the Rose no longer had a Leilani is residence. So, I assumed she must have settled down with a husband. And it would have been inappropriate to write to a married woman, even if he could convince the other brothel workers to tell him where she had gone.
He's quiet for a moment, before he reached to pick up a letter that was addressed to him. She was my next-door neighbor, before we both left our families for the C. He'd carefully unfolded the letter from its envelope, never sent, never stamped.
Eyes scanned the careful handwriting, how she explained she would never send them, but it helped her to write them, to track their child's milestones as if he might someday see them. Well, at least you've grown up well. He folded the letter back up. I'll purchase your debt to the C, and you'll leave to Arlathan. He stated it matter-of-fact, as if there was no discussion to be had.
The answer was at least honest. Maybe a touch hurtful, out of context... but if one paired it with what his mother had always said, about it not being safe, it could be taken less painfully. Nairn sometimes had a brusqueness about him, so Haulean tried not to let it sting and just listened to his further explanation. And the timing of things began clicking into place, when he mentioned the Boom.
"W-we weren't there anymore... because she got too sick to work." he said in a soft, fragile tone. "We got k-kicked out of the Rose. And then... th-then she sent me here. She said I had to keep my f-full name a secret, and hers."
Haulean picked up his own letter and began reading through it in tearful silence, until Nairn -no... his father- spoke up again. And the last words he uttered shattered the boy's heart so much that it ought to have been almost audible. His face fell, his eyes widened, and welled up with fresh tears. "You're... s-sending me away??" he asked, paling beneath his freckles. "WHY??"
Oh gods, he felt dizzy. It hurt to breathe. All of his worst fears were manifesting, all in one night. "You don't w-want me anymore? Because... b-because I'm... because... we're...?" he gulped and closed his eyes, feeling more and more lightheaded. "Please..." he begged, once more looking up into Nairn's eyes. "Don't make me go! We... w-we can just forget all about it, and p-pretend things are the same as they always were! I n-never was gonna ask you for anything, I promise!"
The more the boy spoke, the more frantic he became. He was literally losing everything all at once. If Nairn sent him away, he'd die of a broken heart. "Please, I'll work harder, I'll do anything you want me to!"
Nairn stared at the boy, startled by the reaction. No. I'm sending you away, because I never wanted a family, but especially one that was involved in my thiefdom. You don't see Megara living with the C, do you? He'd secured whatever debt she'd had left long ago, before the Boom. It'd been a surprise that was never revealed.
You'll move to Arlathan, take up a legitimate trade. He stated, as if that made everything clearer. Be a better man than me. He added, reaching to forcefully claim the boy by the chin.
Stop begging. We don't beg. Blue eyes studied the younger face, a broken child that he didn't know how to handle. Fuck. Consider your debts and the debt of your mother wiped. Coterie don't own you anymore.
If he wasn't misunderstanding the situation, or well, mis-managing it, perhaps it'd have come across better. Nevertheless, he's said it. Done it. Decided it.
Fuck, he wanted to get high. Just a night. He'd seek Ruth out later; the other elf had moved back into Nairn's lodgings after the Arlathan home had burned down.
'Because I never wanted a family'. Well that stung. But it also tracked with what he'd come to know of Nairn. And maybe Megara didn't live with the Coterie, but she was still around! Sometimes she had to go away, but she didn't stay away forever. And this felt like Haulean was being sent away-away. For good. It hurt.
Nairn declared again that he was to go to Arlathan, and it felt like a knife in the boy's heart. But as Haulean took a breath to protest, his chin was suddenly held fast, almost painfully. The words spoken were somewhat startling, but not so much as the gesture itself. The younger male's big blue eyes were wide as saucers, and still filled with tears. It was hard. On one hand, Nairn was generously setting him free -of BOTH debts- but... it also felt like he was bring thrown away.
The sudden decision to go through the letters could have been seen as a little peace offering. And Haulean did want to look at them. But he had a point to make first. "I don't care about the debts, I want to stay with you!" he exclaimed, determined to get through Nairn's stupid stubbornness. "You're my family! You're all I have! You and Meg! You liked having me around before! but now because you know who I am, you want to throw me away like yesterday's rubbish? You might as well just p-put me out of my misery, r-right here!"
Deft hands, however shaky, made quick work of producing the dagger he knew Nairn kept on his person, and Haulean held the point to the hollow of his own throat. Teary eyes did not flinch from his father's, though he was trembling. "I w-won't stop you. If you r-really don't w-want me. It'd be less p-painful like this, than... th-than being th-thrown away."
Nairn stared at the boy, blue eyes narrowing to slits as the child grabbed one of his daggers and pressed it to the hollow of his own throat. It's for your own safety. He growled, reaching to curl his fingers around the hilt of the stolen blade.
Someone within these walls wants me dead, Haulean. His voice lowered, so that any eavesdroppers would not hear them. And anyone connected to me is at risk. His exhaled forcefully, as he slowly pulled the dagger away from the trembling boy.
You'll stay with Megara and Ruth. And then he leaned over the boy, fingers settling underneath his chin, in a tight grip.
And if you ever imply that you're better off dead again... He exhaled shakily, I might not have wanted you, but your mother wanted you desperately. And for as long as you're in my care, I'll keep my promise to her. Which had been, if she ever needed him to take the child, he would protect them with everything he had.
He released Haulean's chin, and reached for the stack of letters again. And began to read aloud the first letter that he picked up.
Was it a sign of their closeness, or of Haulean's developed skills as a pickpocket that he could so easily locate and produce the hidden blade? Or was it both? Likely both. In any case, Haulean's hand was trembling and unsteady as he held it pressed to his own throat. The boy flinched at the growled words, never having really been on this particular end or level of Nairn's displeasure before. When his father took hold of the blade's hilt, Haulean held fast as best he could, even pressing it a bit closer to his skin. He could feel the skin break just the slightest bit, and it stung. But it wasn't until Nairn revealed that someone had it out for him and his connections... that Haulean's meager strength left him altogether, and he put up no more resistance to Nairn's efforts to reclaim the dagger. A small bead of crimson welled up in the blade's absence, and began to roll slowly down pale skin. Haulean didn't even notice.
"Wh-who...?" he asked, weakly. The thought that someone here would... that... hurt his heart all the more. The Coterie was supposed to be family. Maybe a messed up one, at times, but still.
The little sunshine rabbit didn't have much time to ponder, though. Nairn was looming over him and had taken him by the chin again. It was tight enough to make the boy wince, but he gulped and kept his eyes on his father's, as he assumed was wanted. He never did have the heart to truly disobey Nairn. There were fresh tears there, of course, but... there was also hope. He wasn't being made to go away forever. He was going to stay with Meg and Ruth... which meant he wouldn't be alone, and he'd still see Nairn. No way he'd avoid them. "M'sorry Nairn..." he murmured softly. He hadn't meant to be bad, he was just so afraid of being alone.
When his chin was let go of, the boy shakily cuddled into the older male; a means of seeking comfort, and forgiveness at the same time. Naturally, hearing his mother's words read aloud was very emotional for the boy. Especially her confirmations of what he already now knew... and her permission to seek answers. He clung and buried his face against Nairn's shirt. She'd known his birthday was the last time she'd see him. How? And why hadn't he been smart enough to stay with her to the end?
