Darling Ella,
I. I want to be strong for you, Ella, but I'm so hurt right now. It's not about my hurt though, which is why I tried being cheerful, and failed, and then.. I made a mess of everything, as per normal. It's about being a strong enough shoulder for you, so it never comes to this again. Whatever it takes. And I will blame myself, like I blame the tree as your murder accomplice. It's my fault I didn't pay better attention and notice things sooner. If I had been a better wife to you, I would have noticed. I should have noticed. I will carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life, no matter how many times you try and absolve me of it.
My parents are busy with their own lives, like normal, they don't have time to coddle me like I'd want to be coddled at the moment, so Sari has been doing what she does best, and coddling me like the mother I always wanted. She made me come downstairs and sit in the garden for a while as she shoved food at me. I'm ashamed to admit I let myself go for a few days there, I've got to shave soon, I have the starting of a beard going on right now. We'll have to give Malik that house for real, when we can both sign the paper work over into his name fully. He took care of Annie while I wallowed in my sadness and anger. He took care of so much so I could take time to have a tiny, miniscule break down.
The townhouse is empty right now, I sent Benson and Sari back to the main house to get some of my art conservation tools, I've been trying to get myself prepared to take care of your drawings and paintings appropriately, like I've done for other artists before, I don't have a creative bone in my body, but I know how to preserve the works properly, that I can do.
A date, like ... if we had done this normally. Home by 11 PM and an awkward kiss on the front porch before Mal appears in the doorway clearing his throat and glaring at me the entire time? I think I'd like that, if you'd want to try that. I love you, Ella. Maker help me, but I do, still, and I made a vow to you before we wed that I'd take care of you no matter what, so know that I will honor that, no matter what, but.. Us. I want Us. I'll always choose Us over any alternative. So if there's still room for Us, I want it.
I put it's pair on the new boundary of the garden area, so it won't block the main garden's light, the sapling. And Malik has a better, stronger maple on his side of the property line that we'll hang Annie's swing from, like we had planned for that oak. It's not the tree we had plans for, but it could be the new one we center our future around.
Still yours,
Czora
