do something

There was almost a part of him that didn't want to be forgiven for the things he only faintly remembered saying with such conviction. For all of the tenderness in the other man's gaze, Cara couldn't help but feel a touch of nausea swell inside of him for making him worry at all. It was not an expression he desired to see on anyone's face, least of all of someone he loved. But in midst all of this self loathing was a need to be comforted, consoled, guarded. A need to be held without restraint. A need to be loved beyond what he truly deserved. As a thumb scratched over his jaw, Carasson surrendered the rest of what remained of himself in the aftermath of his posession. 

And still.Even the sound of his own name sounded foreign to him, had him furrowing his brow in confusion of that being even remotely near his name. Whatever it was inside of him still yeared for that last bit of control when all Carasson wanted to do was give up. No, I.... He huffed, centering his thoughts. There's just... a loss for words sent a chill down the spin of someone who'd never suffered that embarassment. I want to help but I can't... he could only hope Chip would be patient enough with him in these moments. I will never leave you, Inala, or this clan. Because that had been taken to the extreme by something duplicitous inside of him, something he didn't know. 

But there's something I need Chip. Something I can't live without until I find it. Only he didn't know what that was. These days he was becoming afraid of what he might be urged to do to search for those dark desires he craved. And I thought.....well I thought Brecilin was the answer.... Mostly because going to Brecilin felt  inexplicably right to him. The center of carnage was all he could remember craving in those flashes of memory from moments earlier. And in the silence that followed, Cara teetered forward, lips falling hard against the Chip's, hand reaching up to tangle in that gloriously tangled hair to deepen the kiss he'd so much wanted to feel earlier. When he pulled back, his throat bobbed. ....and now I see I was wrong. It's not what I want. His lips fell again, his body shifting against the other until he found breath again. 

Don't forgive me Chip. Tell me I deserve it. Let me carry this burden for once. But to be very honest he didn't know what he was asking any more.