Too long had she pushed aside the pressure mounting. The abrupt way Leaf had left the palace, and out the gates of the City would require some explanation upon her return, but the woman felt this inconsequential to the harm she could cause. Control over her frustrations with Sebastian’s council and the restrainment of Korr, mixed with the new, growing darkness had taken their toll on her resolve. The walls of the Palace and City had begun to enclose themselves around her, the overwhelming suffocation she had felt only once before now sought to plague her mind again.
Once the nightmares returned, Leaf had known it was time to seek some solitude, away from anyone should her strength of will failed. Kahli kept quiet watch over her mistress from a spot overlooking the clearing. A loyal sentry to steer any wandering soul away from possible danger. Disturbing her mistress while in this state was fraught with danger, and most likely their death if the hounds warning was unheeded.
It had been a nice, picturesque spot when the mage had first come across it. Now it resembled something out of a battlefield’s memoire. The ground blackened and grey with ash, still smoking in places from the residual heat while the mage herself sat in the midst, sweat dripping from her brow.
[color=#c14700]Give in. Allow me a taste again of control, mageling. The Nightmare won’t haunt you while I am, I promise you. [/color]
Her hands flexed, nails trailing back the cloth of her robes to make fists. The weight and strain of her mind being assaulted by the demon pitched her body forwards.
[color=#0074d9]“S-Shut. UP. You… You fucking. Pathetic. Demon.”[/color] she’d hiss in response.[color=#0074d9] “Y-You. Killed. Remington last time.”[/color] She’d never forgive the creature, nor herself, for the mabari’s death.[color=#0074d9] “Haaaa. I. Made the Nightmare. Eat Shit. The fuck I need you for?” [/color]
Leaf could try to hide it all she wanted, but Bethany knew she was starting to struggle. There had been a reason that her sister had sought solitude for so long, and sometimes she wondered if perhaps she should have stayed with her longer to ease that. But she had felt pulled to go, and Leaf would never have asked her to stay, and here they were. It had been such a relief to have her sister around again, but something was taking its toll on her and Bethany sincerely doubted that Korr was helping things.
She'd gone looking for Leaf, just to check in, but hadn't found her in any of her usual haunts. Eventually she was able to track down someone who had seen a rather agitated Leaf leave the City walls, and Bethany was quick to make her way out in search of her. A vice started to twist its way around her heart as she searched for her; she couldn't shake the feeling that this was a bad sign.
When she finally came upon her, upon the scarred and scorched earth that Leaf's turmoil had turned back, she knew that her instincts had been right. Leaf wouldn't want her here, wouldn't want anyone here while she battled her inner demon(s), but Bethany was determined not to leave until she knew her sister was safe.
She approached carefully, stopping when she was within easy earshot of her sister but still leaving some distance between them. It wasn't safe to go closer just yet, but she wanted her sister to know she wasn't alone. She didn't have to face this, or anything else, alone. Her tone was calm and unafraid as she voiced, [color=#419dc1]"Leaf, I'm here."[/color]
[color=#c14700]Do you think anything you do matters? Everywhere you tread something happens, chaos unfolds whether you intend it or not. Cursed. You are cursed, Hawke. Yes. I killed the hound, but part of you revelled. Don’t deny it, I share your being - I know. You enjoy the kill. The destruction. You never feel more alive than in the heart, the heat of battle, showing them the might of your power. [/color]
[color=#0074d9]“SHUT UP. SHUT. UP.”[/color] Hands reached for her ears, as if the internal battle could be drowned out. Yes. She enjoyed a fight, but killing? Some were black and white, clear, but the others, the grey and later the pure innocent… their blood was on her hands. [color=#0074d9]I did the best I could.[/color] Yet the excuse could never wipe out the guilt, Leaf carried.
[color=#0074d9]I did the best I could. [/color]
It ran as a mantra even if she only believed a portion of it. The continued recital pulled Leaf back up to stand, ever defiant despite the uncontrollable shaking coursing through her.
[color=#0074d9]I did. The best. I could. [/color]
Her vision cleared as the breeze carried along a voice, opening to find her sister. [color=#0074d9]“B-Beth?”[/color] Their gaze met, Leaf’s eyes changed some, mismatched. One blue orb glazed over clear while the other retained its usual azure colour. A voice echoed, though not quite from Leaf’s throat, more a presence of mind reached out to Bethany.
[color=#c14700]What do you say mage? Shall we go a round with your sibling?[/color]
For a moment, Beth's breath caught in her throat. She had seen the signs of Leaf struggling, but for Korr to get enough of a foothold to be even slightly visible meant that things were worse than she'd anticipated. Her sister, even after all these years, had an air of invincibility to her. She always had - she was Leaf, she could do anything. She survived Kirkwall, the Fade, the Nightmare, and no mere demon could possibly bend her to its will.
But Bethany knew Leaf was just as human as the rest of them, and carrying a demon around all these years - no matter how strong you were everyone had a breaking point. Everyone needed help. And now Leaf needed hers.
So Bethany's gaze sharpened at the demon's words. Instead of taking a battle stance, however, she moved deliberately into a defensive one. She began to exude a strong peaceful aura, not only in an effort to avoid hostility but also in hopes of beginning to calm the raging battle between sister and demon. Leaf would win, she was sure, but Bethany had no qualms about tipping the playing field in her sister's favor.
[color=#68c4e8]"You could try, but it would be wasted effort," [/color]she said, addressing Korr. Get the demon to split its focus and Leaf would have this back under control soon enough. [color=#68c4e8]"You'll attack, I'll deflect, and before you know it you'll be right back where you started, just all tired out. So what do you say we skip straight to end of this where you settle down and stop pestering my sister so much, hm?"[/color]
She could mask some things, power through most days with some discomfort, but the quiet moments in her mind were few and far between. Even the seemingly invincible had their limits. The metaphorical walls had closed in. Nightmares were all she had when her head hit the pillow. There was no respite for Leaf, and the more she wrestled on her own, the worse it became. She needed help.
She couldn’t quit Starkhaven like she had Kirkwall. The former hadn’t crushed her like the latter, it had provided the opposite, hope. The work of the mages, their search for answers in regards to their companions... it could help her, if she opened up about it.
There was a glimmer of pride in Leaf with Bethany’s defiance, though Korr roared. [color=#c14700]Brave for a little whelp! We could crush you in an instant if your sibling relinquishes her leash! [/color]
Leaf suddenly laughed, her breathing growing ragged with the effort. [color=#0074d9]“Never. Not again.”[/color] She refused to give him the satisfaction, too stubborn and pig-headed for that. This wasn’t like before. Where she was already vulnerable from the Nightmare, then suddenly knocked down and blinded by a fury she barely understood. It was different now. Hiding in the hills was no longer an option, and neither was handling this bastard alone anymore.
Beth's peaceful aura washed over Aoife in waves, the small shift leaning into Leaf’s favour caused her to grin. [color=#0074d9]“Tell him, Beth. Hawkes are… stubborn fuckers.” [/color]Hands clenched into fists at her side, knuckles turned white as she gathered her will in pushing him back.
[color=#0074d9]I have this, fuck face. We have you, two to one.[/color]
[color=#0074d9]“I have backup this time, so... fuck off!” [/color]
Upon seeing Leaf's defiance, the grin she'd come to know as a sign that she wasn't backing down no matter what the odds, a smile crossed her own face. She started walking slowly toward Leaf, the aura continuing and strengthening as she approached as focused it even more closely on her sister and Korr. [color=#68c4e8]"That we are. Once a Hawke puts her mind to something nothing can stop us."[/color]
[color=#68c4e8]"You should be the one scared of us, Korr. You think you know rage? You think you are rage? You think we haven't spent every moment of our lives learning to live with the rage that comes being forced to try and make this world right no matter how much we just want peace?"[/color] The words were calm, but forceful. Her approach stopped, still further than arm's length from her sister, though not by much.
[color=#68c4e8]"You don't stand a chance against one of us, much less two. Now, why don't you fuck off like Leaf said or I promise you that you'll meet a much worse fate." [/color] Possessions could be changed. It wasn't easy, but it was possible, and for Leaf Bethany would find a way if Korr dared to continue stepping out of line.
Each passing wave quenched the fire little by little. Her will reaffirmed, Leaf’s body shook less as control began to return back into her favour. The demon had expelled the majority of his energy and failed to make use of the Champion’s lowered guard.
The end was in sight. Yet as Beth came close, Leaf’s hand suddenly snatched her wrist in a death grip hold. A hollow chuckle began, slowly building in sickening glee.
[color=#c14700]You think yourself brave. Noble. Talented enough to do so. I will say what I told your precious sister when I first sought her form. I chose her. I would sooner kill her than be parted. Think on that, little sister.... [/color]
Its volume faded, but the threat remained clear. Korr’s choice was already made.
The pressure immediately lifted, and with a gasp, Leaf took in her first free breath in days. Fatigue immediately set in, legs buckled but with her other hand she took Beth’s shoulder to steady herself.
[color=#0074d9]“...I could kiss you, but I won’t.”[/color]
A flicker of surprise crossed Bethany's face when Korr (it wasn't Leaf, Leaf wouldn't touch her like that) grabbed her wrist and gave his warning. It chilled her; she couldn't help it, she knew they they could defeat Korr but if he was that set on having her sister as his host she was going to have to be very careful in the future.
It didn't mean she would stop looking for a way to free her sister entirely, only that she knew precisely what the stakes were now. In a way, Korr had tipped his hand and now she knew just what she would be facing. What Leaf was facing.
But at least for now victory was theirs. Korr retreated, and she could see her sister return to her body. She swooped in to grab Leaf in a tight hug - she needed the reassurance that Leaf was okay just as much as her sister might need someone to help steady her on her feet.
[color=#419dc1]"You stubborn idiot, you tell me when he gets to be a pain in the ass, alright?" [/color] Her eyes had begun to water and there was a sniffle to her tone. The immediate danger was gone and now it seemed all the worry and fear was starting to bubble up. [color=#419dc1]"I just got you back, you don't get to run off like that without me."[/color]
Well, this was nice. Leaf smiled lazily, her body sinking heavily into her sisters hold. Her light squeeze was about as much as she could return for the moment. Mentally drained and physically exerted from maintaining control of her facilities and will.
[color=#0074d9]“Yes,”[/color] she agreed. [color=#0074d9]“I am all of those things.”[/color] A sense of serenity settled over Aoife, the calm after battle, but it brought more than just a sense of ease. Tears slipped over, her cheeks quickly becoming wet. [color=#0074d9]“I’m sorry, I’m so stupid I just… I didn’t want to hurt anyone if he.. Not again.” [/color]
She hadn’t missed the slight shake in Beth’s voice, nor the sniffle. Aoife had scared her, the champion was scared of herself, of what could happen if control slipped.
Suck it up Hawke.
Even if the voice was her own, there was still doubt, doubt that it would ever get better. The fear caused her to tighten her grip around her sister.
[color=#0074d9]“I.. Beth, I don't know what to do… what do I do?” [/color]
[color=#68c4e8]"I know, I know..."[/color] she said, voice slightly broken in empathy as Leaf confessed she just didn't want to hurt anyone. She knew what had happened to Remy, she knew why Leaf had gone away before, and she hated that her sister was so scared of herself and what she could do. It wasn't fair. Her sister would never hurt them intentionally, ever, and the fact she thought there was even a chance she could accidentally...
They had to do something. They needed an answer, one that would set Leaf at ease because her sister could not go on like this. Yet when her sister asked her what to do, at first she didn't know how to answer. She wanted to give Leaf guarantees and quick solutions but everything she could think of would be a much longer road than either of them would want.
[color=#e86e04]I may have something to offer, little mage. Your sister's problem lies in the conflict between the inhabitants of her body and they need to come to an accord. I was Unity, once. I could teach her to live in peace with her demon.[/color]
[color=#68c4e8]To bring it under her control, you mean. Enslave it.[/color]
[color=#e86e04]That is one way of looking at it, yes. Consider it.[/color]
Andoral's voice faded away, and she realized she still needed to give Leaf a response. [color=#68c4e8] "Andoral thinks they can help you with Korr. Or we can get you a nullification amulet, force Korr out and protect you from anyone else seeking a host."[/color] She was still clinging to her sister, not yet ready to let go. [color=#68c4e8]"We have options, and we don't need to choose a path now. Now we should get you back."[/color] Food, a bath, clean clothes, rest - Leaf needed those right now before they started talking about next steps.
The last time Leaf quit Kirkwall entirely for the hills, spending years in the wilderness wrestling with him alone. If she hurt anyone in Starkhaven, Bethany or Khali… Seb… The thought had her cling to her sibling tighter, she couldn’t live with that guilt it would consume her entirely.
During Beth’s quiet silence, she offered what the Prince had told her. [color=#0074d9]“Seb said the First Enchanter isn’t all that bad?”[/color] And while the idea of entering the place willingly given her record with Circles had Leaf hesitate, this cycle of warfare needed to be quelled and pacified somehow. Beth provided her and Andoral’s proposal, but the demon's threat loomed, would he be forced out and leave her unscathed? Aoife doubted it, but they could discuss it further later, when she wasn't in such a state.
[color=#0074d9]“Yeah… I could use a long hot soak, but,”[/color] her grip loosened and she sat back. [color=#0074d9]“If I go back looking like this, Seb’s gonna pitch a fit.”[/color] She was too tired to mask the quiet smile creeping its way along her face. [color=#0074d9]“... I need to tell him. I might put myself out of a job, but it’s better than waking up and finding I killed the man I lo-”[/color] her lips froze, realising and calmly as possible, made a request. [color=#0074d9]“Forget what I almost said, I’m sleep deprived, I’ve no idea what I was saying.” [/color]
Well it was nice to hear her sister almost admit her feelings for Sebastian. The way that she'd talked about him over the years had her suspecting there was more to the relationship than Leaf had been willing to let on, but despite occasional friendly teasing on Bethany's part nothing had seemed to come of it. Or at least nothing Leaf had been willing to admit.
[color=#68c4e8]"Mmm, sorry, must've missed what you said just then,"[/color] she said lightly. [color=#68c4e8]"But yes, you should tell Sebastian. All of it."[/color] That last bit was rather pointed. Beth wouldn't say a word, it wasn't her place, but she didn't think Leaf should keep her feelings to herself - especially when it was painfully obvious to anyone who spent any time around them that it was mutual.
[color=#68c4e8]"He deserves to know, and he'll want to help, but let's take care of you first. Come on, I'll help you back."[/color] She extended a hand if Leaf wanted it, or a shoulder if she'd rather, or her sister could just walk by her side. Whatever she needed Beth was happy to provide.
A deep groan rumbled out of her throat, mumbling with a shake of her head, [color=#0074d9]“I’m never going to hear the end of this, am I?”[/color] She’d never admitted feelings before, never ones this strong. That part had always been kept privately behind a wall of sarcasm and deflection, there had been too many things to do, too many people to protect to let herself pursue it.
Taking Beth’s hand, shifting to lock their elbows so she could lean if need be. After a few cautious steps they’d settle into an easy pace with Khali bringing up the rear. [color=#0074d9]“I will tell him,”[/color] she’d quietly voice.[color=#0074d9] “And all of it, I just… Well I definitely can’t rock up to him, looking like a hot mess or… or without an apology ready first.”[/color] He deserved that first before she, yet again, dumped her problems at his feet.
As the sisters made their way back to Starkhaven, Leaf would lean more and more into Beth’s side. Not necessarily out of need, but more of comfort and gratitude for her sibling being there, clear proof that shouldering the burden was not hers alone anymore.
