[Completed] Dear Diary

I'm pretty sure mother hates me, or at least strongly dislikes me. I don't know what I did, or maybe it's not what I did but what I didn't do. I can't seem to do anything but get on her bad side. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose, mostly. Sometimes the rage demon in me makes me feel out of control, like I get really upset and I just see red. Mom was trying to teach me illusion magic the other day and I wasn't able to make two copies of myself, to which she got pissed off, to which I got pissed off. Then she tried to teach me something using blood magic and the sight of blood made me fucking feint. So embarrassing.

I wonder if she was ever like this with Kieran when he was younger, he has a much better relationship with mother than I do. All of it makes me miss dad even more. There was so much confusion when I woke up from the magical coma, getting the news that dad had died while I'd been in the coma devastated me. It's not fair. 

The big party in Ferelden was fun, at least it was a nice change of pace. I really liked the music and the fact that it meant that my Orlesian stay was over. Auntie Lana said that I could leave the party with her group and go back with her to Amaranthine. I like it a lot better there than in Orlais, partly because I like the people better, and I'm not exactly a fan of Orlesians. Though I do like the masks. People say I got my distaste of Orlesians from my dad, but I don't remember hearing him say that much about them, then again I was only three the last time I saw him.

I'm learning a lot of magic from Lana, she doesn't push blood magic on me like Mother does. It's not that I have anything against blood magic, it's just. I don't know, I'm not really interested in it. and blood is so ew. I like that Lana teaches me the kinds of magic I ask to learn, though I suppose it would be neat to learn hedge matic like mother can do but I don't feel like telling her. I don't understand why she's not happy with all the shapeshifting magic I'm learning since I know it's magic she's learned. Oh well. I'm going to go see the griffons now, I'll write more later.

The quest I went on with mother and company didn't go great, I'm really worried about Kieran. The sound his body made as he slumped to the ground still echoes through my mind. I can't lose him, he's the only family I have that actually accepts me for who I am, that doesn't treat me like a useless waste of space. I do love mother, and I think she loves me, somewhere deep down, but Kieran is our link, the thing that gives us any common ground. He's just got to wake up, I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't.